How To Fail

This is a little bit of a departure from what I usually write, but I was out with a group of people recently and shockingly enough, we were talking. We discussed "How-To" books and the massive amounts of "Become a Success!" writings that are available these days. But it was pointed out that there are no books on how to fail, which is a pity. And... Well, writing a "How to be a Failure" just seemed like too much fun to pass up.

So. If you aspire to great depths and have a burning yearning to know how to fail at life, this might help you out.

1. How to fail at school
It might seem like failing at school is, literally, a no-brainer. Not so, my young friend. To truly, epically master the art of academic failure, you can't simply not show up to class or refuse to do your homework. Every waking moment must be infused with the sort of lethargical ennui one might expect from a sedated cat. There's a quiz today? *Yawn.* I didn't bring in my lab? *Sigh.*

A well-timed yawn in the face of a teacher is more likely to ensure academic mortality than any number of red "F"s. A well-timed sigh in the face of a classmate whose mark depends on your participation is the perfect way to bring about failure. Remember, it's not just how little you do... It's how aggravatingly you can (not) do it. Teachers want to see their students succeed, so if you are failing all your classes but you are trying, your teachers will still see hope for you. If you are failing all your classes and it affects you no more than a mild breeze affects a boulder, your teachers will secretly wish you ill and hunt out ways to expose your failure. It's all about karma, baby.

1. How to fail at work
Again, there are those who would say "Don't show up." Well, if you're comfortable being only a half-way failure, then take this route. If you're committed to being the biggest failure you can possibly be, you won't be satisfied merely coasting through life on someone else's frayed and ripping coat tails.

In order to really fail at work, you have to know the power structure. You have to know who signs whose paycheques, and who has veto over everyone else. And you have to be the complete opposite of what this person likes - professionally and personally. Now, obviously, it's much easier to achieve this if you are naturally the complete opposite. If that's the case, you just need to ramp it up a bit. When the big head honcho says "jump" you say "eat it." There's a fine line between being the office "character" and being a total failure. Be sure to cross that line fearlessly and repeatedly.

It's considered a bonus if you are able to commandeer the office or workspace of a most beloved member of the team. Preferably in a tasteless manner.

1. How to fail at friendships
An easy way to fail at friendships would be to betray one's friends.

However, a true failure at life has no friends. Live the dream.

1. How to fail at intimate relationships
It is never alright to force yourself on or abuse (in any way) your partner.

Never.

That point is non-negotiable even for the most epic failure. To truly fail at intimate relationships, just try. People are very different, so there is no "one size fits all" form of relationship failure. This would be exciting if, as a failure-in-training, you hadn't already removed any form of happiness from your soul; as you get to test out your own personal brand of failure and perfect it as time goes by.

1. How to fail at life
You may have noticed that every point so far has been numbered "1." (If you haven't noticed, congratulations! You're well on your way to becoming a failure!) There's a very simple reason behind that.

Everything has to be the most important point in your life. As everything has to be the least important point in your life. There are no highs or lows - merely an endless sea of potential drownings. To fail at life, you must believe in your heart of hearts that there is no happiness and there is no sadness. Everything that is, isn't. Everything that can't be, is. But this isn't a matter of imagination - failures are only imaginative in their relationahips - but simply a matter of understanding that life is against you more than it's for you, and there is no point to anything.

Flowers eventually wilt. Smiles eventually fade. Tears eventually dry. Wounds eventually scab, scar, or heal. There is obviously no point in emoting, in any direction, over anything, ever.

Though your personal sea has no ups or downs, there must always be the fear of what's above, and what's below. The true failure at life is so paralyzed by his or her own failure that the past and the future are one entity.

And that entity is going to swallow you whole at some point.

1. In Summary
If you have skipped to the bottom here in an attempt to bypass any rules, I applaud you. You show the true failure's (lack of) go-get-em spirit and clearly have a somewhat dim future.

To sum up the above rules that you did not read: To fail at life, hide from life at every opportunity.*

























*If you point out that this summary doesn't actually pertain to the above rules, I apologize but that just proves that you can't ever be a complete failure. Go achieve something, would you?