"You know you love someone when you cry yourself to sleep every night because you know that he's not yours, he's hers."
Really? I have to disagree, darling. I'd say something more along the lines of:
You know you love someone when... (feel free to pick and choose, and play around with the gender roles here, just going based off my own preference)
... you don't care if he's yours or hers, as long as he's happy and loved.
... the little things that aggravate you when anyone else does them are just a cute quirk of his personality. (This opinion may wear off)
... it feels like your stomach drops to your toes when something bad happens to him.
... the fact that he had an awesome day when yours sucked epically makes you happy for him, rather than bitter about it. (Also, this opinion may wear off)
... you think he's gorgeous even when he's been in his jammies and/or robe for three days straight, laid up with a wicked cold.
... you start grinning more than a mile (1.6ish km for us non-Americans) from the house, because you can't wait to get home and see him/talk to him.
... that ratty, threadbare sweater he used to wear when he was younger is your favourite item of clothing to wear when you're feeling down and he's not around.
... you let him make your friends (and his) think he's all "man's man," while secretly you're madly in love with his nerdy/weird side.
... you encourage him to dream and work towards those dreams - even if you don't share them.
... late Saturday mornings in bed, the romance and the big gestures, having stories to tell your friends to make them jealous - you know you'll miss the indent his head makes on the pillow more than any of that, whenever he's gone.
But then again, I'm only a few years away from thirty and terminally single - and you're thirteen and dating. So what the hell do I know?
Love impatiently waits for you to pick a movie, then settles in for the night.
Love is unkind when you need a dose of reality.
Love envies every breath you take when apart.
Love boasts about every accomplishment you make, and is proud of you for every step you take.
Love rudely refuses to acknowledge the faults you may see in yourself.
Love selfishly lives to perpetuate love.
Love is quick to righteous anger when threatened.
Love records every misstep and preserves it in memory, so that Love may learn from it.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.
(Fingers crossed I don't get hit by lightning on the way home from work today)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
How To Fail
This is a little bit of a departure from what I usually write, but I was out with a group of people recently and shockingly enough, we were talking. We discussed "How-To" books and the massive amounts of "Become a Success!" writings that are available these days. But it was pointed out that there are no books on how to fail, which is a pity. And... Well, writing a "How to be a Failure" just seemed like too much fun to pass up.
So. If you aspire to great depths and have a burning yearning to know how to fail at life, this might help you out.
1. How to fail at school
It might seem like failing at school is, literally, a no-brainer. Not so, my young friend. To truly, epically master the art of academic failure, you can't simply not show up to class or refuse to do your homework. Every waking moment must be infused with the sort of lethargical ennui one might expect from a sedated cat. There's a quiz today? *Yawn.* I didn't bring in my lab? *Sigh.*
A well-timed yawn in the face of a teacher is more likely to ensure academic mortality than any number of red "F"s. A well-timed sigh in the face of a classmate whose mark depends on your participation is the perfect way to bring about failure. Remember, it's not just how little you do... It's how aggravatingly you can (not) do it. Teachers want to see their students succeed, so if you are failing all your classes but you are trying, your teachers will still see hope for you. If you are failing all your classes and it affects you no more than a mild breeze affects a boulder, your teachers will secretly wish you ill and hunt out ways to expose your failure. It's all about karma, baby.
1. How to fail at work
Again, there are those who would say "Don't show up." Well, if you're comfortable being only a half-way failure, then take this route. If you're committed to being the biggest failure you can possibly be, you won't be satisfied merely coasting through life on someone else's frayed and ripping coat tails.
In order to really fail at work, you have to know the power structure. You have to know who signs whose paycheques, and who has veto over everyone else. And you have to be the complete opposite of what this person likes - professionally and personally. Now, obviously, it's much easier to achieve this if you are naturally the complete opposite. If that's the case, you just need to ramp it up a bit. When the big head honcho says "jump" you say "eat it." There's a fine line between being the office "character" and being a total failure. Be sure to cross that line fearlessly and repeatedly.
It's considered a bonus if you are able to commandeer the office or workspace of a most beloved member of the team. Preferably in a tasteless manner.
1. How to fail at friendships
An easy way to fail at friendships would be to betray one's friends.
However, a true failure at life has no friends. Live the dream.
1. How to fail at intimate relationships
It is never alright to force yourself on or abuse (in any way) your partner.
Never.
That point is non-negotiable even for the most epic failure. To truly fail at intimate relationships, just try. People are very different, so there is no "one size fits all" form of relationship failure. This would be exciting if, as a failure-in-training, you hadn't already removed any form of happiness from your soul; as you get to test out your own personal brand of failure and perfect it as time goes by.
1. How to fail at life
You may have noticed that every point so far has been numbered "1." (If you haven't noticed, congratulations! You're well on your way to becoming a failure!) There's a very simple reason behind that.
Everything has to be the most important point in your life. As everything has to be the least important point in your life. There are no highs or lows - merely an endless sea of potential drownings. To fail at life, you must believe in your heart of hearts that there is no happiness and there is no sadness. Everything that is, isn't. Everything that can't be, is. But this isn't a matter of imagination - failures are only imaginative in their relationahips - but simply a matter of understanding that life is against you more than it's for you, and there is no point to anything.
Flowers eventually wilt. Smiles eventually fade. Tears eventually dry. Wounds eventually scab, scar, or heal. There is obviously no point in emoting, in any direction, over anything, ever.
Though your personal sea has no ups or downs, there must always be the fear of what's above, and what's below. The true failure at life is so paralyzed by his or her own failure that the past and the future are one entity.
And that entity is going to swallow you whole at some point.
1. In Summary
If you have skipped to the bottom here in an attempt to bypass any rules, I applaud you. You show the true failure's (lack of) go-get-em spirit and clearly have a somewhat dim future.
To sum up the above rules that you did not read: To fail at life, hide from life at every opportunity.*
*If you point out that this summary doesn't actually pertain to the above rules, I apologize but that just proves that you can't ever be a complete failure. Go achieve something, would you?
So. If you aspire to great depths and have a burning yearning to know how to fail at life, this might help you out.
1. How to fail at school
It might seem like failing at school is, literally, a no-brainer. Not so, my young friend. To truly, epically master the art of academic failure, you can't simply not show up to class or refuse to do your homework. Every waking moment must be infused with the sort of lethargical ennui one might expect from a sedated cat. There's a quiz today? *Yawn.* I didn't bring in my lab? *Sigh.*
A well-timed yawn in the face of a teacher is more likely to ensure academic mortality than any number of red "F"s. A well-timed sigh in the face of a classmate whose mark depends on your participation is the perfect way to bring about failure. Remember, it's not just how little you do... It's how aggravatingly you can (not) do it. Teachers want to see their students succeed, so if you are failing all your classes but you are trying, your teachers will still see hope for you. If you are failing all your classes and it affects you no more than a mild breeze affects a boulder, your teachers will secretly wish you ill and hunt out ways to expose your failure. It's all about karma, baby.
1. How to fail at work
Again, there are those who would say "Don't show up." Well, if you're comfortable being only a half-way failure, then take this route. If you're committed to being the biggest failure you can possibly be, you won't be satisfied merely coasting through life on someone else's frayed and ripping coat tails.
In order to really fail at work, you have to know the power structure. You have to know who signs whose paycheques, and who has veto over everyone else. And you have to be the complete opposite of what this person likes - professionally and personally. Now, obviously, it's much easier to achieve this if you are naturally the complete opposite. If that's the case, you just need to ramp it up a bit. When the big head honcho says "jump" you say "eat it." There's a fine line between being the office "character" and being a total failure. Be sure to cross that line fearlessly and repeatedly.
It's considered a bonus if you are able to commandeer the office or workspace of a most beloved member of the team. Preferably in a tasteless manner.
1. How to fail at friendships
An easy way to fail at friendships would be to betray one's friends.
However, a true failure at life has no friends. Live the dream.
1. How to fail at intimate relationships
It is never alright to force yourself on or abuse (in any way) your partner.
Never.
That point is non-negotiable even for the most epic failure. To truly fail at intimate relationships, just try. People are very different, so there is no "one size fits all" form of relationship failure. This would be exciting if, as a failure-in-training, you hadn't already removed any form of happiness from your soul; as you get to test out your own personal brand of failure and perfect it as time goes by.
1. How to fail at life
You may have noticed that every point so far has been numbered "1." (If you haven't noticed, congratulations! You're well on your way to becoming a failure!) There's a very simple reason behind that.
Everything has to be the most important point in your life. As everything has to be the least important point in your life. There are no highs or lows - merely an endless sea of potential drownings. To fail at life, you must believe in your heart of hearts that there is no happiness and there is no sadness. Everything that is, isn't. Everything that can't be, is. But this isn't a matter of imagination - failures are only imaginative in their relationahips - but simply a matter of understanding that life is against you more than it's for you, and there is no point to anything.
Flowers eventually wilt. Smiles eventually fade. Tears eventually dry. Wounds eventually scab, scar, or heal. There is obviously no point in emoting, in any direction, over anything, ever.
Though your personal sea has no ups or downs, there must always be the fear of what's above, and what's below. The true failure at life is so paralyzed by his or her own failure that the past and the future are one entity.
And that entity is going to swallow you whole at some point.
1. In Summary
If you have skipped to the bottom here in an attempt to bypass any rules, I applaud you. You show the true failure's (lack of) go-get-em spirit and clearly have a somewhat dim future.
To sum up the above rules that you did not read: To fail at life, hide from life at every opportunity.*
*If you point out that this summary doesn't actually pertain to the above rules, I apologize but that just proves that you can't ever be a complete failure. Go achieve something, would you?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)