Dear mainstream media:
Please stop touting Zooey Deschanel as the
poster child for awkward people. Her characters are quirky, often
indie, and one might even label them as hipsteresque. But she is most
decidedly not awkward.
Shouting "penis" in a public park is not awkward, it's socially
insensitive. Dancing like a chicken when the room goes silent isn't
awkward, it's hipster. Not knowing what to wear on a date so going with
dirty laundry isn't awkward, it's just disgusting. Having huge blue eyes
and ridiculously long eyelashes isn't awkward, it's... Well, it's cause
for the envy of men and women all over the damn globe.
Besides, we already elected our own poster child in our
poorly-attended annual(ish) meetings. Unfortunately, when it came time
to do the photo shoot, he showed up early and then was too uncomfortable
to let anyone know who he was. He sat on the floor in reception for
forty-five minutes, chuckling occasionally to himself (but far too loud
to be unnoticed) as he listened to his inner monologue. When they
finally got him into the studio, he broke out a full-on Budweiser
"Wazzaaaaaaaaaaaap?" which was greeted with dead silence and ensured he
was glanced askew at for the remainder of his time there. Which really wasn't
too long, because he tripped over a cable, spilling coffee on the
backdrop and falling into one of the cameras. He broke the bridge of his
nose, split his lip, and - more horrifyingly - destroyed a Hasselblad.
He hasn't left his apartment since.
Please stop raising the
expectations of the general public about what an "awkward" person is
like. We're already terrified of dating, leaving the house without a
clear objective, being seen by... Well, anyone, really... and making
small talk with strangers and friends alike. Now people expect us to be
charmingly oddball, and to be honest, the pressure's getting to the
community. We'd rise up and launch a counter attack against the
misinformation, but holy shit, that might mean that someone will look in
our direction and we probably still have a little bit of popcorn in our
teeth and we're pretty sure that you're all in on some big cosmic joke
that's going to be ruinously embarrassing, not to mention that our right
leg has fallen asleep and as soon as we stand up to bear arms, we're
all going to fall back over again, taking out your Tiffany lamp. We'll try to laugh it off, but somewhere in the ensuing silence, someone's going to fart and we're going to turn beet red and run away.
Sincerely,
~Truly awkward people
