Zooey Deschanel? More like PHOOIE Deschanel! Amiright?!? ... ... ... *crickets*

Dear mainstream media:

Please stop touting Zooey Deschanel as the poster child for awkward people. Her characters are quirky, often indie, and one might even label them as hipsteresque. But she is most decidedly not awkward.

Shouting "penis" in a public park is not awkward, it's socially insensitive. Dancing like a chicken when the room goes silent isn't awkward, it's hipster. Not knowing what to wear on a date so going with dirty laundry isn't awkward, it's just disgusting. Having huge blue eyes and ridiculously long eyelashes isn't awkward, it's... Well, it's cause for the envy of men and women all over the damn globe.

Besides, we already elected our own poster child in our poorly-attended annual(ish) meetings. Unfortunately, when it came time to do the photo shoot, he showed up early and then was too uncomfortable to let anyone know who he was. He sat on the floor in reception for forty-five minutes, chuckling occasionally to himself (but far too loud to be unnoticed) as he listened to his inner monologue. When they finally got him into the studio, he broke out a full-on Budweiser "Wazzaaaaaaaaaaaap?" which was greeted with dead silence and ensured he was glanced askew at for the remainder of his time there. Which really wasn't too long, because he tripped over a cable, spilling coffee on the backdrop and falling into one of the cameras. He broke the bridge of his nose, split his lip, and - more horrifyingly - destroyed a Hasselblad.

He hasn't left his apartment since.

Please stop raising the expectations of the general public about what an "awkward" person is like. We're already terrified of dating, leaving the house without a clear objective, being seen by... Well, anyone, really... and making small talk with strangers and friends alike. Now people expect us to be charmingly oddball, and to be honest, the pressure's getting to the community. We'd rise up and launch a counter attack against the misinformation, but holy shit, that might mean that someone will look in our direction and we probably still have a little bit of popcorn in our teeth and we're pretty sure that you're all in on some big cosmic joke that's going to be ruinously embarrassing, not to mention that our right leg has fallen asleep and as soon as we stand up to bear arms, we're all going to fall back over again, taking out your Tiffany lamp. We'll try to laugh it off, but somewhere in the ensuing silence, someone's going to fart and we're going to turn beet red and run away.

Sincerely,

~Truly awkward people

Overthinking The Issue

I read an article in my local paper (okay, the online edition) about a certain Canadian artist who is not enamoured of Ms. Lady Gaga's musical skillz. (With. A. Zed.) The comments section of this article was mainly focused on the perceived (and in fact, correct) sexual orientation of the Canadian artist. No one focused at all on what he had to say, which was essentially that he appreciates Gaga's ardour and what she wants for the LGBT community, but that she has no talent.

Agree or no with the statement (I'll be honest, I don't listen to the radio often or whatever happens to be popular right now. I'm not a hipster by any stretch of the imagination. I have my bands, I listen to them, and that's the extent of it. All I've heard of Gaga is Born This Way... Which, I'm sorry, sounded to me like a remake of Express Yourself...) what I had an issue with was the fact that it's a story at all.

I mean, for the love of all that's good and delicious, why did we have to point out that an openly gay musician doesn't like Gaga's music? Who cares? He didn't say anything inflammatory; merely stated his opinion. In true Canadian fashion, he did so with a nod to his admiration for other things Gaga has done. The whole point of the story was just that a gay man doesn't like Gaga's music. Oh. My. Word. Is that even possible? Or, hell, legal?

Awhile after I'd navigated away from the page and looked into other important matters (such as certain autocorrect-themed sites and other such time-wastings), I realized what was bothering me.

Simply put, it's this. Hollywood and the media make such a big deal out of acceptance, tolerance, and equality when it comes to sexual orientation, but it's all completely counter to how orientation is actually portrayed.

No one writes long narratives on how "brave" homosexual actors are for taking on straight roles. No one takes notice when an openly (and sometimes flamboyantly) gay man plays a straight dude. But we laud the hell out of a straight actor who takes on an "edgy" role and plays a gay man.

It's like we don't feel the need to reward a gay man acting against type because, after all, we still subconsciously promote heterosexuality. The gay man is clearly acting like a normal person, so why would we even bring it up? So it's all very well and good to try to make life easier, safer, and all-around more livable for the LGBT community - especially teens - but it could be viewed as patronizing. Or worse, condescending.

Sean Hayes - who played Jack on Will & Grace - once said that he didn't always want to be cast as the gay man, that he had range and the ability to play against that particular type. 

"If you see a movie and I'm in it, and the first thing you think of is who I'm sleeping with, then you're not watching the performance; you're watching the personality."

He has a point. No one wonders if Eric McCormack's characters might be secretly gay. No one looks at Jake Gyllenhaal's Prince of Persia and expects him to make out with anyone other than Gemma Arterton's character. Yet he portrayed a gay man in Brokeback Mountain. And he got huge amounts of praise for taking such a potentially dangerous (career-wise) role. Both Julianne Moore and Annette Bening were critically-acclaimed for their roles in The Kids are Alright. Holy crap, Hilary Swank's role in Boys Don't Cry was HUGELY buzzed about.

And then Kirsten Vangsness plays oh-so-straight (and in love with Shemar Moore's character) Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds. Cynthia Nixon plays straight homebody lawyer Miranda Hobbes on Sex and the City.

Where are their accolades?

How can we say it gets better when we're still seemingly stuck in the dark ages when it comes to how we view actors of different orientations playing against type? Sure, it's not a conscious slight. But for a business that is so hyper aware of perceptions and appearances, you'd think the media'd be more on top of it. I can't be the only person on the planet who overthinks anything and everything...

It does get better. 

Be who you're meant to be. With any luck, someday, the world will catch up. If it never does, sunshine, leave 'em all in your dust.