It has come to that time of year again. The time of year when those of us who were born and raised here dread, and those of us who have moved here and would like to pretend we are completely Calgarian-ized pretend to dread, but are confused by our dread.
No, I'm not talking about Stampede. I think we've established that if you don't get the hell out of dodge for those ten days, you get whining rights for at least a month. Unless you head down to the show - then you're just as bad as *they* are.
I'm talking about the first real winter show, and the first time everyone forgets how to drive on these streets. Calgary may be the sunniest city in Canada, but we have also been known to have snow on the ground in EVERY MONTH of the year. A few years back, we only missed August, and then we only missed by a few days.
Why is it so difficult to remember how to drive when the roads are white and icy and other people are just as uncomfortable as you are? Don't feed me any crap about how you *had* to get to the mall to finish your Christmas shopping, and how you weren't prepared for the amount of traffic you'd encounter trying to get into Chinook, and how it's ridiculous that the city doesn't plow immediately, while the snow is still falling, and how the city doesn't plow your street until the snow is mostly gone.
Welcome to life in Calgary, sunshine.
Christmas comes at the same time each year. Plan for it. Unsurprisingly, we often get at least one big dump of the white stuff before Christmas. Plan for it. If it is just under two weeks before Christmas when we get that big dump, do not drive like an asshole. Know the dimensions of your vehicle. Know the limitations of your vehicle. Know your route. Know your timeframe. Plan to be stuck in traffic. Know that hazard lights should *not* be over-used.
If you drive a bigass Hummer with a cattleguard (and if you do, please explain to me why you need this for tooling around your suburbanite neighbourhood), you should not just zip to the end of the merge lane around the stopped vehicles, riding up on the curb. Due to the fact that there are so many jerks like you, the curb is just as icy as the road. You skid, and guess what? You're taking out a fair amount of vehicles with you. Also, you are terrifying to the people in smaller vehicles.
If you drive an itty bitty little thing keep in mind that semis can not see you if you are behind them (the whole "if you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you" thing) and ditto for school buses, tow trucks, etc. Anything larger than you - meaning, uhmm... just about everything on the road - can not see you if you are behind them. If you are between two larger vehicles and are just wee, maybe consider inching out into the lane that you want instead of making a two-point turn.
Deerfoot is stupid. That's all there is to it. If you have to take Deerfoot, then know where your exit is, and know where your exit opens up. Plan for it. Do *not* sit in the far left lane your whole trek and then try to cross four lanes to get to your exit when you see the ramp. You shouldn't do it ever, but especially not in this weather, at this time of year. Know that any secondary streets (read: everything but Deerfoot) will take some time to be cleared of snow. Deerfoot will be cleared by the mass amounts of idiots driving on it. Your residential street? Might be cleared by January. So it has always been, so it will remain. Shovel your walk and park with your passenger tires on the sidewalk.
At least then you'll have some traction.
Chinook is open until 9:00 (10:00 as of today) during the week, and 6:00 (7:00 as of two weeks ago) on Sundays. You know what this means? This means that showing up there precisely at four thirty, so you are adding to the post-work snail trail on Glenmore and MacLeod is NOT NECESSARY. It doesn't matter what time you show up - there will be no parking. Take a day off work if you haven't finished your Christmas shopping, get to the mall before it opens, and motor through it. Don't piss and moan about spending an hour looking for parking. You know what you can do? Overshoot Chinook, park at Anderson, and take the damn train. Or, even better, get a ride from someone. That way, that person can keep the car nice and warm in their own garage, and it will be warm when you are picked up.
It took me two and a half hours to get home from work on Friday, after leaving an hour early to avoid the traffic. To go twenty-five (ish) kilometres - two and a half hours. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it if you're running late and stuck on Calgary roads in the winter. Don't stress over it. That dinner you're heading for? Guess what? EVERYONE ELSE IS ON THE ROAD, TOO. You won't be the only one who is late. Constantly blaming everything on traffic won't get you anywhere, but on days like this past Friday, where everyone was inching along, you've got a decent excuse. On those long minutes when you are sitting there because nobody's moving, make a quick phone call and inform whoever you're meeting that the traffic is crap. Do *not* do this while your vehicle is moving. You really shouldn't do it while you're stopped either, but it's better then than while in motion.
If you are terrified to be out on the roads, do not drive twenty below the speed limit with your hazards on. Simply do not DRIVE if you are terrified. We drove behind some girl who had her hazards on and was going really slowly on Sunday - it might have been Saturday - and I looked over as we were passing her, and she's on a freaking cell phone! Seriously? You're so scared to be driving that you have your hazards on and are driving recklessly slowly, and you're talking on your cell. Clever.
Recklessly slowly. It's true. Most everyone focuses on the idiots who drive insanely fast and wind up flipped end over end down Deerfoot. However, if you are going considerably slower than even the most cautious octogenarian, you need to speed it up a bit.
Other things... I had a school bus go to pass me on the right (when there wasn't a lane on the right) and then it just stopped, blocking half of the intersection, when it realized that I was not turning left like the vehicles behind me. You have a large, somewhat-less-than-the-most-sturdy-vehicle-in-the-world frame, and you are full of children. Try *not* driving like an asshole! Just a thought, though...
And riding someone's tail is actually bad news bears. It doesn't make them go faster, and if something happens ahead and that person brakes suddenly, guess what? You get the crap for following too closely when you smash into them. Relatedly, if you see that traffic is not moving, and you are just to the left of a merge lane, who does it hurt to leave a little extra space so that those trying to merge onto your road can get it? Really? See previous comment RE: Hummers and merge lanes, and consider how much more fun it would be to not arrive in a body bag. Letting in one or two - or five or six - vehicles isn't going to make you much later than you already are. Suck it up. Someone let you in, right?
... or did you just jump the curb and intimidate the smaller vehicles to get your place in line?
Jackass.
Sincerely,
Me.
