Why is it, when someone is going through a break-up or a fallout, we say the horrible, horrible things we say? A few of the things that bug the crap out of me:
"There are plenty of fish in the sea."
"(S)He's not worth it."
"Show him/her what he/she is missing." and
"It's his/her loss."
"You deserve better."
Allow me to splain.
"There are plenty of fish in the sea." Well, yes, this is true. But the thing is, if I feel that I've just lost a prize-winning marlin, what makes you think I want to have some trout? It's true that there's always the possibility that a bigger, better marlin will come along, but I don't see that right now. I can't see it, in fact. If I could see it, then the break-up was not that big of a deal and therefore cheap cliches and overworked phrases should not be necessary.
All I am focusing on is the fish that I lost. I had a fish, I lost it. End of story. Don't try to smarm me into thinking of all the other fish out there, because that will make me more upset. Because I will think - in my skewed and fragile emotional and mental state - one of two things. One - so many fish in the sea means that there are many other people out there who have been unable to hold onto theirs. In which case, what's the point? If love is as elusive as landing a 20-foot, 5000-pound sturgeon *and holding onto it* why bother? Two - if there are so many fish in the sea, why is it that those of us who wish to hold onto our fish are unable to?
The laws of supply and demand dictate that the greater the supply, the (relatively) lower the demand. So. There are *plenty* of fish in the sea... Why did that tramp on a trowler over there have to want MY fish? Go tell HER there are plenty of fish in the sea, but don't wave it in my face.
"(S)He's not worth it." This one and "You deserve better" are generally said with the kindest sentiments behind them... And they are the phrases that annoy me the most. Telling me that someone who had every inch of my heart and my soul for however long is "not worth it" is a complete devaluation of my emotions. By telling me that someone that I have loved and been loved by is not worth grieving over, you are essentially telling me that my emotions are null and void.
The person meant something to me. For however long. For whatever reason. The person is now gone. And you're telling me not to be heartbroken? When you were a child, and someone took away your favourite stuffed animal or security blanket, did they ever say to you "it's not worth crying over?" Did you listen to them? When it comes to love, we're really all just toddlers holding onto our favourite blankets. Take it away, and it hurts. A lot. Whether or not the blanket is a flea-ridden, mouldy, falling-apart piece of junk is completely irrelevant. It was OURS. And now it is not.
As for "You deserve better"... Well... I deserve better than to be with the person I want to be with? Again, don't come back with "well, hun, he's a jackass because he..." and fill in the blanks. He may very well be a jackass, but at that moment, he was a jackass that I wanted. Saying to someone that they deserve better than to have what they most want is, once again, devaluing their feelings. You're telling them that you know better than they do what they should want out of life. You and I can stand as close as two people can possibly get, and look at the same item, and we won't see the same thing. Because we are not the same, and that's the beauty of being human - we don't *have* to be the same. We get to be different and explore ourselves and other people. We don't, however, have the right to inform someone of what their choices will be for the remainder of their lives.
Finally, "Show him/her what he/she is missing." and "It's his/her loss." He is not missing anything, and it is not, in fact, his loss. He did not want me. He got rid of me. How is getting rid of something you don't want anyway a loss? Seems to me that would be a boon. You may think I'm wonderful - and let's face it, I kind of am - but he didn't. And telling me over and over again what he does not see in an effort to tell me what he's missing out on is pointless.
To miss out on something, one has to want it in the first place. Jes? Jes. Otherwise it's just a matter of, "oh." Telling me that I'm missing out on some fabulous peanut butter ice cream would be correct. Telling me that I'm missing out on some amazing anchovy pizza would not be correct. (pfft to go from a marlin to anchovies? Life isn't that cruel) I love peanut butter - I can't eat it because it tends to kill me, but I love it. Anchovies? Not so much.
And it's not healthy to try to make yourself more desirable to the person who has just broken your heart in an effort to get back at them. Revenge, I'm sorry, is wasted. Vengeance is another matter, but whatever. Bringing out your best qualities is awesome - do it every day, at least twice a day - but bringing them out in an effort to flaunt what someone already didn't want? Short road to heartache, sunshine. Because they *are* your best qualities, and when that formerly special someone does not react, how does that make you feel? Worse. Don't do it to elicit a reaction from someone who has hurt you - do it for yourself. Do it with pride and humility, and do it because you are amazing. You are amazing. Not you *could be* amazing. You already are. Bask in that for awhile.
