Zooey Deschanel? More like PHOOIE Deschanel! Amiright?!? ... ... ... *crickets*

Dear mainstream media:

Please stop touting Zooey Deschanel as the poster child for awkward people. Her characters are quirky, often indie, and one might even label them as hipsteresque. But she is most decidedly not awkward.

Shouting "penis" in a public park is not awkward, it's socially insensitive. Dancing like a chicken when the room goes silent isn't awkward, it's hipster. Not knowing what to wear on a date so going with dirty laundry isn't awkward, it's just disgusting. Having huge blue eyes and ridiculously long eyelashes isn't awkward, it's... Well, it's cause for the envy of men and women all over the damn globe.

Besides, we already elected our own poster child in our poorly-attended annual(ish) meetings. Unfortunately, when it came time to do the photo shoot, he showed up early and then was too uncomfortable to let anyone know who he was. He sat on the floor in reception for forty-five minutes, chuckling occasionally to himself (but far too loud to be unnoticed) as he listened to his inner monologue. When they finally got him into the studio, he broke out a full-on Budweiser "Wazzaaaaaaaaaaaap?" which was greeted with dead silence and ensured he was glanced askew at for the remainder of his time there. Which really wasn't too long, because he tripped over a cable, spilling coffee on the backdrop and falling into one of the cameras. He broke the bridge of his nose, split his lip, and - more horrifyingly - destroyed a Hasselblad.

He hasn't left his apartment since.

Please stop raising the expectations of the general public about what an "awkward" person is like. We're already terrified of dating, leaving the house without a clear objective, being seen by... Well, anyone, really... and making small talk with strangers and friends alike. Now people expect us to be charmingly oddball, and to be honest, the pressure's getting to the community. We'd rise up and launch a counter attack against the misinformation, but holy shit, that might mean that someone will look in our direction and we probably still have a little bit of popcorn in our teeth and we're pretty sure that you're all in on some big cosmic joke that's going to be ruinously embarrassing, not to mention that our right leg has fallen asleep and as soon as we stand up to bear arms, we're all going to fall back over again, taking out your Tiffany lamp. We'll try to laugh it off, but somewhere in the ensuing silence, someone's going to fart and we're going to turn beet red and run away.

Sincerely,

~Truly awkward people

Overthinking The Issue

I read an article in my local paper (okay, the online edition) about a certain Canadian artist who is not enamoured of Ms. Lady Gaga's musical skillz. (With. A. Zed.) The comments section of this article was mainly focused on the perceived (and in fact, correct) sexual orientation of the Canadian artist. No one focused at all on what he had to say, which was essentially that he appreciates Gaga's ardour and what she wants for the LGBT community, but that she has no talent.

Agree or no with the statement (I'll be honest, I don't listen to the radio often or whatever happens to be popular right now. I'm not a hipster by any stretch of the imagination. I have my bands, I listen to them, and that's the extent of it. All I've heard of Gaga is Born This Way... Which, I'm sorry, sounded to me like a remake of Express Yourself...) what I had an issue with was the fact that it's a story at all.

I mean, for the love of all that's good and delicious, why did we have to point out that an openly gay musician doesn't like Gaga's music? Who cares? He didn't say anything inflammatory; merely stated his opinion. In true Canadian fashion, he did so with a nod to his admiration for other things Gaga has done. The whole point of the story was just that a gay man doesn't like Gaga's music. Oh. My. Word. Is that even possible? Or, hell, legal?

Awhile after I'd navigated away from the page and looked into other important matters (such as certain autocorrect-themed sites and other such time-wastings), I realized what was bothering me.

Simply put, it's this. Hollywood and the media make such a big deal out of acceptance, tolerance, and equality when it comes to sexual orientation, but it's all completely counter to how orientation is actually portrayed.

No one writes long narratives on how "brave" homosexual actors are for taking on straight roles. No one takes notice when an openly (and sometimes flamboyantly) gay man plays a straight dude. But we laud the hell out of a straight actor who takes on an "edgy" role and plays a gay man.

It's like we don't feel the need to reward a gay man acting against type because, after all, we still subconsciously promote heterosexuality. The gay man is clearly acting like a normal person, so why would we even bring it up? So it's all very well and good to try to make life easier, safer, and all-around more livable for the LGBT community - especially teens - but it could be viewed as patronizing. Or worse, condescending.

Sean Hayes - who played Jack on Will & Grace - once said that he didn't always want to be cast as the gay man, that he had range and the ability to play against that particular type. 

"If you see a movie and I'm in it, and the first thing you think of is who I'm sleeping with, then you're not watching the performance; you're watching the personality."

He has a point. No one wonders if Eric McCormack's characters might be secretly gay. No one looks at Jake Gyllenhaal's Prince of Persia and expects him to make out with anyone other than Gemma Arterton's character. Yet he portrayed a gay man in Brokeback Mountain. And he got huge amounts of praise for taking such a potentially dangerous (career-wise) role. Both Julianne Moore and Annette Bening were critically-acclaimed for their roles in The Kids are Alright. Holy crap, Hilary Swank's role in Boys Don't Cry was HUGELY buzzed about.

And then Kirsten Vangsness plays oh-so-straight (and in love with Shemar Moore's character) Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds. Cynthia Nixon plays straight homebody lawyer Miranda Hobbes on Sex and the City.

Where are their accolades?

How can we say it gets better when we're still seemingly stuck in the dark ages when it comes to how we view actors of different orientations playing against type? Sure, it's not a conscious slight. But for a business that is so hyper aware of perceptions and appearances, you'd think the media'd be more on top of it. I can't be the only person on the planet who overthinks anything and everything...

It does get better. 

Be who you're meant to be. With any luck, someday, the world will catch up. If it never does, sunshine, leave 'em all in your dust.

An Open Letter to Internet Crazies

Dear Fangirlz/Fanboiz/"Girlfriends"/"Boyfriends"/"Spouses":

I get it. I really do.

There's that one person out there - or perhaps a few dozen people out there - who make you feel all full of butterflies, all happiness and squee, and like the world is not only your oyster but your pearl and wetsuit, as well. You're floating on the wings of love, my friends, and I get it.

So when some random person comes along and you feel perhaps threatened by their interest in your soulmate, you give in to your instincts and do your damnedest to protect what you believe is yours. That is, after all, what lovers do, right? We protect one another from the vagaries of every day life and we are known to go on the offensive when our nest is threatened.

I just have one teeny-tiny suggestion, which you may feel free to completely disregard. Take a look in the mirror, and you see that - no, to the right a little bit... down, down... THERE! That, right there? Yeah, it would appear that you've got a bit of crazy on you.

At least, I assume it's crazy. Because otherwise I really have no idea why you would fly off the handle at an innocuous little statement.

On October 24, I posted the following to my twitter:

"Dear #ChrisEvans : Please stop being so awesome. You're making it hard to want to date mere mortals. Sincerely, women everywhere."

On October 25, I received this:

First of all... Do people still say "Step off?"

Secondly, and almost as important, what the hell?! After some deliberation (and some review of past tweets, etc) I realized that perhaps I have stated one too many times that Chris Evans is gorgeous. I also have a habit, when speaking to my real-life friends and actual family - in other words, people I see on a fairly regular basis - of referring to celebrities I find attractive as my husbands (it makes life easier, since everyone knows at the word "husband" that they can begin to ignore me - if I use actual names, it just gets their hopes up to be inevitably dashed). It's possible that I have done so online as well, though I can't recall.

For the record: I have not ever met, nor am I likely to ever meet, any of these so-called husbands. I am aware of this. It causes me no consternation and I'm not likely to start beating people with wet noodles in an effort to deal with my disappointment by taking it out on random strangers.

I'm reasonably sure that, had this person read anything I'd written aside from my request for Mr. Evans to tone down the awesomeness, they'd see that I'm as threatening as marmalade. I've faceplanted on a hardwood floor because I've been tripped up by lingerie. I'm terminally single, I support the hell out of gay rights, and I spew nonsensical gibberish when caffeinated and sick. I've also been known to ask the drummer of a band to find the tour manager for me - since it was the tour manager I was supposed to meet with to get backstage to hang with the band, of which the drummer was a part... When Jann Arden came in to my store (god, more years ago than I care to count) I did a fully-comically-extended double-take which made her laugh and made me burn with embarrassment for the next week or so.

What I'm saying is, you really don't need to worry about me making a move on "your man." Smooth and suave, sweet pea, I am not.

Also, my twitter feed is lamer than a one-legged horse with gout:

So, if you could please explain to me why you felt the need to overreact to a nothing tweet from a nobody, I'd greatly appreciate it. I do attract this sort of behaviour, I've noticed (remind me to tell you about Jackson Rathbone's "girlfriend" someday), and I don't... Well, I don't really know why.

But hey, if sending me stuff like this explanatory follow-up:

Means you're less likely to smear your particular brand of crazy on other people, then bring it on. Personally, I'm more offended by the butchering of the English language than by the actual content. Informing me that Mr. Evans isn't interested in me is not offensive in the slightest - it's the truth, and it's not news. (Those of us capable of having a "celebrity crush" without expectations are pretty practical.)

However, informing me that he isn't "intrested" is heart wrenching to such a degree that I can't feel my soul, as it has clearly shriveled into an abysmal state of non-existence.

For now, I - and my ugly "tode"ness and freaky eye - wish you a hearty adieu. Oh, and:

Sincerely,

~MelZo

Glass

We are all glass.

 

Some of us are bulletproof; you can see the pockmarks and scars left by those who tried to break through. You can see the remnants of how they tried again and again to break through, but failed.

 

Some of us are stained glass, fragile, colourful, and attractive. Seams of strength breaking up the various parts of our personality, giving a unique and artful overall impression.

 

Some of us are yellowed by age, filthy with experience. Any cracks are hidden by layers upon layers of life-earned dust.

 

Some of us bear bevelled edges, catching and playing with the light to create prismatic rainbows for those around us. Colouring the world in which we live with character while remaining nondescript ourselves.

 

Some of us only look out and never allow others to look in. Some of us reflect back on others what they see in themselves while remaining hidden within ourselves.

 

Some of our most flawless become invisible and forgotten as perfection is sought to become the norm.

 

Some of us are made to shatter at the slightest impact, but in so breaking, bring harm to none but ourselves. The most rigid among us, when broken, slice and slash out, damaging irreparably the people nearest them.

 

We are, all of us, glass.

 

We need only find the person who finds our patterns and reflections, cracks and drafts, flawlessness and imperfection, strength and fragility, beautiful.

Photo By RavenMadd 

Awesome Birthday.... Or THE AWESOMEST Birthday?

So this is not a new thing I'm doing here. Last year, I asked my friends and family (and random people I don't really know but am "friends" with on Facebook, or twitter, or any other social media you can think of) to do something different for my birthday. I asked them to do something good for someone else, in lieu of birthday cards, or going for dinner or drinks, or gifts, or expensive long-distance phone calls.

I'm proud to say that my "peeps" came through with some amazing stories - everything from helping people carry their groceries to paying for someone else's lunch, and a bazillion other little awesome deeds. In fact, I was so proud of how stellar my friends can be that I decided to do it again.

This year, I'll be donating blood for the very first time the weekend before my birthday, here in Calgary. I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to spend my birthday and the week following it in Madrid, "helping my little sister find a place to live while she does her Master's program at the IE."

... in other words, being as touristy as possible, hiding behind my camera, and experiencing as much of the culture as possible in that week. My hope is that there will be opportunities to do little awesome things whilst I'm there, but as I don't speak the language and am brutally shy, I wanted to be sure to get my good thing in beforehand. Hence the blood donation. (Also, I had wanted to donate earlier this year, but my travel last year precluded me from doing it before summer, and my latest tattoo in spring made it so that I couldn't go before September anyways, so the timing worked out nicely...)

If you've ever wanted, or needed, an excuse to do something outrageously awesome for someone else - or an excuse to do something quietly amazing - here's your chance. My birthday is September 18, and I'm looking forward to hearing the stories that my friends, family, and random acquaintances are willing to share with me. If you want, you can join the event on Facebook (http://on.fb.me/oM3aY8).

Here are some ideas if you want to participate but are stuck as to where to start (your local shelters, soup kitchens, and animal rescue groups may have websites as well):

Habitat for Humanity (http://www.habitat.org/)
Jacob's "Adopt a Soldier" Program (http://www.jacobsprogram.org/)
World Concern (http://www.worldconcern.org/)
American Cancer Society (http://www.cancer.org/)
American Diabetes Foundation (http://www.diabetes.org/)
International Red Cross (http://www.icrc.org/)
Mental Health America (http://www.nmha.org/)
Little Warriors (http://www.littlewarriors.ca/)
Salvation Army (http://www.salvationarmy.org/)
Autism Society of America (http://www.autism-society.org/)
ALS Society of Canada (http://www.als.ca/)
Canadian Blood Services (http://www.blood.ca/)


So. Brighten the corner where you are. That's my wish for my 28th birthday.

... Well. That, or Chris Evans. But if you're only able to do one or the other, please do something good for someone else. ;)

An Open Letter to Animal Rescue Groups

Dear Well-Intentioned and Respectable Animal Rescue Groups:

Please communicate.

I recognize and respect the fact that the vast majority of you are fully staffed by volunteers, and a good number of you do not have main facilities of your own. You operate out of the homes of foster families and the clinics of veterinarians. But if you have a website, and if that website indicates a telephone number and an e-mail address as contact information, these should be checked - at the very least - once a day. But it's not enough to check them, please have someone respond to them. Because if not, you have a situation like the one my sister suffered through recently before being chosen by a dog at the Humane Society.

My sister who, like me (unsurprisingly similar childhoods), grew up with pets - everything from dogs to budgies, cats, fish, and newts. My sister who, like me, has lifelong experience with medium-to-large-sized dogs (minimum about 50lbs) and having dogs who live with cats. We own our home. We are three houses up from a massive off leash area. We have a good-sized, private back yard that offers some shade. In short, we're fairly good candidates for animal adoption.

We thought. The timeline:

• On June 11, my sister submitted an application for a dog on an animal rescue group website. We'll call the dog "J". The resultant e-mail stated that someone would be in touch with her within a few days. 
• On the evening of June 12, my sister went through the telephone interview. She was told that there was a lot of interest in J and that the fact that we had not yet completed our fence would stop the application right there. Fair enough. 
• On June 13, the website was updated to show that J had been adopted. On this day, also, my sister received an e-mail stating that "it was felt she was not a match for an animalrescuegroup dog." 
• On June 14, I sent an e-mail to the general info address from the website, requesting some clarifications about the e-mail and the procedure. I have not yet received a reply. 
• On June 22, I telephoned the phone number requesting some sort of follow-up either to my e-mail or to my telephone call. I have not yet received a reply. 
• In the meantime, we completed our fences/gates. 
• Between June 4 and June 25, we attended two of the "meet the dogs of the rescue organization" days - both times meeting the dog my sister would apply for on June 30. 
• On June 30, my sister submitted an application for another dog on the website - "R." The resultant e-mail stated that someone would be in touch with her within a few days. 
• There was no indication on the website that the group would not be conducting interviews or looking at applications on the long weekend... In fact, the "meet the dogs of the rescue organization" was still continuing on its regular weekend day.
• On July 4, my sister went through the telephone interview. The interviewer stated that she did not see any reason why the application could not go further. Someone would be in touch with us "soon." 
• My sister received no further communication from the animal rescue group. 
• On July 7, the website had been updated to show that R had been adopted. 
• Also on July 7, my sister and I (separately) sent e-mails to the animal rescue group stating our disappointment and frustration. Neither of us have received a response of any sort. 

"H"

• On July 8, on a whim, my sister and I went to the Humane Society in an outlying town and my sister was found by a pup there, we'll call him H. 
• On July 9, H came home with us.

Before we went to the Humane Society, I had been in touch via e-mail with another rescue group about a few of their available pups. And you know what? The lovely lady there got back to me not once, not twice, but three times within a 24-hour period. With actual information about the dogs, and suggestions, and clarifications on policy and everything. Had my sister not been chosen by H at the Humane Society, we'd have been dealing with this second rescue group in a heartbeat.

When someone is applying to adopt an animal, it is a safe bet to assume that they have some emotions invested in the process. It is extremely difficult to not be angry with an organization that does not have the professionalism - or, forget professionalism... doesn't have the decency - to let an applicant know that the dog they were in love with has gone to another home.

Animal rescue groups: You love animals. You want to find the best homes for the animals. Your work is admirable.

However, your work does rely somewhat on people being able to adopt the animals. It relies on people - people who preferably have experience looking after animals, but at the very least, people who are willing to put in the effort of looking after an animal and caring for it, and providing it with a loving, safe home - being able to bring these animals home so that you have room to rescue more.

It is beyond distressing to be told one day that your application looks good and someone will be in touch "soon" and, without hearing anything from anyone while you're waiting by the phone every evening so as not to miss the call, to find out via the website that someone else has adopted the dog that you had prepared for, that you had met, played with, and fallen in love with. Purchased the kennel, collars, leashes, harness, treats, toys, pee training aids, barriers for in the car, etc... Watched other pups you were half-interested in, but not too invested in because this one you loved, being adopted and no longer available while you waited...

Please, just communicate. Don't leave your applicants hanging, and if you say someone will be in touch, please try to ensure that someone gets in touch. Otherwise it feels like being led on and then having the rug yanked out from under you.

It has been a month now since the first e-mail I sent to this group, and still no response to anything. The e-mail I sent last week even had (almost word-for-word) the bulleted list up there, to explain the situation. No response. I would be happy, at this point, with a brief apology for the lack of response and a promise to consider the points we raised in our e-mails. And even that's a passive response that means that nothing is really going to be done. It's better than silence, though.

Though I respect the work you do, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to respect the way some of you do it.

Thank you,

~Me

Goodbye GuZoo

The GuZoo has been closed.

If you're not from Alberta, that statement may seem like nonsense. You may be wondering if I just can't spell "kazoo" and have melted wax paper to my pseudo musical instrument.

I'm not going to lie - you may be correct as well, but what I'm referring to is a privately-run "zoo" in Three Hills, Alberta. You can read two disparate opinions on the zoo's closure here and here.

For 20-some years, the GuZoo offered a smaller alternative to the internationally-known Calgary Zoo, making interaction with exotic animals available to some who otherwise might not have had the opportunity. Unfortunately, this wasn't done either professionally or with the best interests of the animals in mind.

Let me state right off the bat that I am in many ways a typical Albertan - I love Alberta beef, I've been known to enjoy some moose, elk, or deer meat on occasion, and I am proud of where I'm from. Being a disgusting meat-eater, some might think I could care less about animal welfare, but this is simply not true. I have had pets my entire life and was raised to respect these animals and to care for them as I would any other member of the family. Senseless slaughter and uncaring behaviour towards animals sickens me.

So yes, I was disgusted by the state of GuZoo. Animals kept in cages several sizes too small, filthy eating and water areas, carcasses strewn about, and domesticated and exotic animals sharing spaces, which leads to all sorts of diseases. Sick animals not quarantined, etc.

Even if we put aside the "wacky" thoughts of animal welfare, what sort of an impact does an environment like that have on children who are learning about exotic animals through the GuZoo? What kind of ability to nurture and care for a domesticated pet will these children have if their only exposure to the humane treatment of animals seems to indicate that animals don't require any space, or anyone to clean up after them, or access to clean water and sanitary food?

I assume the parents would step in at this point and educate their children as to how to properly care for animals. But when you're a kid... who will you believe more? Mom and dad who are just now letting you get a puppy or a kitty or a hamster when all your friends have had pets forever-ever? Or the "kindly" old gentleman who looks after, like, lions and tigers and bears and all the cool stuff? And he does it for, like, his job?!?!

So vet checks seem to indicate that the animals were not in poor health. (we'll just ignore the plethora of photos that seem to indicate otherwise)

So smaller zoos seem to be targeted by bigger zoos and associations when it comes to not knowing how to handle the paperwork. (we'll just ignore the fact that in literally any other business, not knowing how to maintain legal paperwork is not a viable excuse for any infraction whatsoever.)

So the GuZoo has been an institution for 20-some years and it's just now being closed down. (we'll just ignore the fact that complaints have been raised about the welfare of these animals for years and that bureaucratic red tape may have had something to do with the length of time required to review.)

Levant's view (first linked article) seems to be that GuZoo is being picked on and nickle-and-dimed for not handling their paperwork correctly. You know who else was picked on for not handling his paperwork correctly? Al freaking Capone.

Is Lynn Gustafson the same as Al Capone? Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. But sometimes, in the end, the "bad guys" are brought down by something small like paperwork. We might not see justice for the animals who have suffered for years in unhealthy and dangerous confinement, but we can rest somewhat easier knowing that no more animals will be subjected to life in this zoo.

Hey, private zoos are awesome. They can provide education and interaction in areas that might otherwise not receive it. They do not, however, have access to the same resources as the large zoos (such as in Calgary). For this, they do not pay dues into CAZA or similar organizations. It's a fine line they're straddling - balancing "going it alone" and knowing that the bigger fish fully have the right to pop in and make sure things are going the way they should.

Rather than bitching about how the little guys are being trampled on, maybe we should consider the welfare of the animals and of the businesses - because that's what these zoos are - and take a looksie into the possibility of providing pro bono resources to those who are trying to bring the delightfulness of a zoo to those places where it's not feasible to have an institution like the Calgary or San Diego Zoos.

Lynn Gustafson may have "poured his heart — and over a million dollars of his own money —" into the GuZoo, but what's that they say about the road to hell? A little education and more concern for animal welfare would have gone a long way to keeping the GuZoo open. I could pour my heart and over a million dollars of my own money into a day care facility, but if all I'm doing is keeping the children in their own filth for 24 hours every day, providing them with tainted water and three-week-old food "carcasses," my good intentions don't beg public support in the slightest.

This is not a matter of a big ugly corporation squishing the little competitors. This is a matter of someone with no training and no interest in training endangering the lives not only of his own animals on display but also of any visitor to his "zoo," being shut down by the authorities.

UPDATE JULY 13, 2011. The GuZoo was re-opened last week. One can only hope that the animals are being cared for in a better manner - cared for, full-stop - and that the Gustafsons use the experience to maintain standards in the care and health of the animals and the mainenance of required paperword.